Tag Archives: marriage

How Not To Choose Anger As Your “Go To” Emotion

Recently, I shared with you that I attended a homeschool conference in St. Paul! This conference challenged me in so many ways: emotionally, spiritually, and physically!

After the first day I was overwhelmed and ready not to go back! I was pushed completely outside of my comfort zone with city driving and traffic, rushing all my children all over the college campus it was held at for their classes, rushing to get to my classes, picking up the kids for lunch and hiking them all to the car to get our cooler for a picnic lunch only to hike the cooler back to the car again and drop them all back off at their classes again! Mind you I have a 17 month old and a 5 month old that I am juggling by myself all day!!! Needless to say I chose anger as my “go to” emotion several times!!

As crazy as it all was I woke up every morning for the four days of the conference and diligently just put one foot in front of the other doing what I needed to do at that very moment and not thinking to far into the future! I’m so glad that I did too because my children and I were able to grow in the Lord and on the last day I heard such a profound message that it made me stop dead in my tracks!!

I listened to a message by Paul and Jenny Speed from Whatever It Takes Marriage Ministries titled “Releasing Judgments Will Strengthen Marital Oneness“. Jenny was saying that we didn’t have to be angry all the time at our husbands, and our children etc. She said that when we feel our self getting angry to take that time to ask the Holy Spirit what we are really feeling at that moment because most of the time it’s not really anger

Instead, what we really may be feeling is overwhelmed because the house is a mess, or inadequate as a mother because the house appears to be crumbling around us, or maybe we are feeling insecure in our marriage because of bad choices our husband is making. We are just choosing anger as a “band-aid” to cover up what we are really feeling deep inside. We are choosing to act out with this emotion instead of digging deep beyond the surface level and dealing with the insecurities, fears, and low emotions that we are really feeling!

This has been so eye-opening to me! I realize that if I don’t begin to deal with the emotions that I’m really feeling and continue in this cycle of using anger as my “go-to” emotion Satan will continue to take this ground and run with it! Why? Because I’ve given him a legal right to. I’ve believed his many lies and fed into them.

He will use my anger to destroy my relationships with my family, and my effort to raise my children as god fearing– mighty arrows that shoot the gospel out of my house into all the parts of the world won’t matter! My anger will cancel out all the times I’ve taken them  to church, memorized scripture with them, read the bible to them, etc. My anger will put a strain on my marriage and it will begin to drown in “the ocean of emotion.”

This is not an easy process. It requires humbling myself and laying down my pride! I’m diligently working at this and sometimes I do better than others. There is always a check in my spirit at some point during this process whereas there wouldn’t have been one before.

Yesterday when I was working through a conflict with my husband Danny, I started reacting in my normal response of instant anger and after a few ugly sentences spewed out of my mouth I stopped myself mid sentence and said “I need to take a second to figure out what I’m really feeling here because it’s not anger.” I paused, calmed myself down, took a deep breath and begin to quietly sort through what I was really feeling and it worked!! I was able to tell Danny “that what I was really feeling was insecurity because of something he had done earlier in the day but was choosing to cover up my true feelings with anger! ” With my true feelings exposed we were able to resolve our conflict and take back the ground and time Satan had taken! (Side-note here I’m so in love with Danny Roller and he is the hottest guy I’ve ever known!!:) Love you Honey!!)

I had another incidence with one of my children where I had assigned them the morning kitchen duty chores! After assigning everyone else their chores we all broke off to quickly complete our work so we could all enjoy the reward of going outside to play and ride bikes!! As I was gathering together all the necessities needed to survive outside with the 17 month old and the five month old I walked by the kitchen and noticed the morning dishes were only half way done and there were crumbs all over the counter and table!!! Instantly, I chose my “go to emotion” anger and started once again to spew ugly things out of my mouth. However, this time I didn’t catch it soon enough! In fact I didn’t catch it till way afterwards, when we were outside and I was alone to think while pushing the two little ones in the double stroller while watching the others ride bikes! The Holy Spirit convicted me and I knew I had handled the situation completely wrong. I asked the Holy Spirit to show me exactly what I was really feeling and I heard a gentle voice inside me cry out and say “Sharon, what you were really feeling was inadequate as a parent because you couldn’t get your child to follow your simple command of clean the kitchen. You were also feeling overwhelmed because you thought all the chores were done and you were headed out the door to relax and kickback a little and now there is still more work to be done. And lastly you were feeling disrespected as a parent because you were not listened too!”

After working through all this I was able to humble myself and go back to that child and say ” You know what? Earlier today when I yelled at you, I really wasn’t angry but feeling inadequate, overwhelmed, and disrespected!” This open communication is helping me build stronger relationships with my kids. I am so thankful for that and am giving them an opportunity to learn through me and my humbleness a real and genuine person interested having a real and genuine relationship!!

Scriptures to meditate on:

James 1:19 – Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

Ecclesiastes 7:9 – Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.

Galatians 5:22 – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,


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